In my head…
Christmas Eve – The kids are wearing their brand new onesies and we’re all snuggled up ready to watch a nostalgic, Christmassy family movie. Ahhhh bliss.
Reality…
The kids will be complaining that they’re too hot in their onesies, which will put me in a right mood because they were from John Lewis, and they were bloody expensive and they should be grateful. We won’t be able to decide which movie to watch but when we finally do Dad will just have his face in his iPhone the whole time anyway.
In my head…
At seven o’clock when the movie has finished we’ll put a mince pie and a carrot out for Santa and Rudolf, before tucking our little angels up in bed and turning out the lights…silence.
Reality…
The kids will argue about who gets to put the mince pie out versus who gets to put the carrot on the plate and I’ll want to bang their fucking heads together. They will NOT go straight to sleep because they’ll be so wound up. They’ll be using EVERY trick in the book e.g. I need a wee, I need water, there’s a noise outside, I want a tissue, blah, blah, blah.
In my head…
After they’ve fallen straight to sleep my husband and I will pour ourselves a glass of Merlot and fetch their presents for wrapping. He’ll do one pile and I’ll do the other. We’ll be finished in no time.
Reality…
It’ll take about three hours to wrap said presents. We run out of sellotape half way through and my husband has to run to Co-op to get some more. They’ll be lots of stressy bickering.
In my head…
Once the presents are wrapped we sneak upstairs and carefully place the stockings at the end of their beds.
Reality…
The little fuckers wake up and it takes ages to settle them back down again.
In my head…
Seeing as the children did not wake up my husband and I go back downstairs for some telly and cheese & biscuits. We will be in bed by eleven having a lovely, romantic shag.
Reality…
We won’t get to bed until 1am and a shag is off the cards because we’re both too knackered. Besides, cheese doesn’t half give you bad wind, right?
In my head…
Christmas Day – The children will wake up full of excitement at 7am to open their presents. They will be so happy and grateful and they will love all their gifts.
Reality…
The kids wake up at 5am. The eldest wants what’s in the youngest’s stocking and vice versa. There’s also tears because Santa has forgotten one or two things off the list. The lazy, disorganised twat.
In my head…
A bit of FaceTime with the far away relatives to wish them a Merry Christmas and to thank them for their kind gifts.
Reality…
FaceTime with Nanny and Bamps where we pretty much spend the whole call looking at a close up of Nanny’s nostril before it freezes. The kids won’t even come to say thanks for their presents, which is embarrassing. A total waste of bloody time.
In my head…
I look lovely in my new dress. I effortlessly glide around the kitchen with perfectly done hair and makeup. Everything is under control.
Reality…
The new dress I have bought is a bit tight because I didn’t have time to try it on in the shop. I’m a bit pissed after being on the Bucks Fizz since eleven (ok ten) and my hair is a frizzy mess. My make up is running off my face due to the fact I have got a major sweat on in the kitchen. I’m a bit stressed and the only thing under control is my belly in my Spanx.
In my head…
The family arrive and everyone is happy and jolly. The dinner turns out amazingly with crispy roasties, a juicy turkey and tasty gravy. Hooray!
Reality…
The family arrive. My mum is cross because she’s in jeans and – ‘Didn’t get the memo about wearing a dress!’ The teenagers (my nieces) are moody. They sit in a corner messaging their friends on SnapChat and not talking to anyone. The dinner is shite. I’ve burnt the roasties, the turkey is dry and I have to sieve the gravy. Ugh.
In my head…
After dinner everyone cuddles up on the sofa for a good old Christmas movie. As night falls we all come back together around the table for some fun filled, sociable games. What a truly magical day! I can’t wait for next year.
Reality…
After dinner there’s fuck all worth watching on telly. As night falls we have one game of PieFace around the table where the kids get into an argument about who’s going to splat Nain (Welsh name for Nan). Everyone’s too tired. And fed up and full. I can’t wait for everyone to leave. And for the kids to go to bed. I want to go to bed too. To dream about going away somewhere sunny next year.
So there we have it. Christmas in my head versus the reality. To be honest our day will probably be somewhere in the middle.
How about you?
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Christmas is a funny time of year; we all have high expectations and dreams of what it will be like and things never go to plan, especially when kids are involved! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and it wasn’t too hectic! Angharad x
You’re right. All the things I actually worried about never materialised but other stuff cropped up and bit me on the bum instead… that’s life I suppose!