- Piles – Shortly after giving birth to my first child I sneezed and a bunch of piles popped out of my bum bum. Excruciating doesn’t even begin to cover it.
- Sh*t – I shat myself during the birth of my second child. Yup, the dreaded unthinkable happened to me… and it was witnessed by my husband who was down that end. Nothing like being handed your beautiful, new born baby only for it to be covered in your own faeces.
- Breast-feeding – Don’t know where to start with this one. I was determined to do it, but because I have inverted nipples breast-feeding was definitely a challenge. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to use those rubber nipple shield thingies in the beginning so that my baby had something to latch onto. This basically meant that my poor, delicate, deformed nips were being yanked inside out daily. About twenty times a day in fact during those first dark days of motherhood.
I remember one day my newborn sucked so hard that all of a sudden the nipple shield seemed to become blocked. On closer inspection I found that the blockage was caused by a small piece of flesh. It was kind of similar to a piece of grizzle found inside a sausage, except it was not a tasty meat based treat, in was a part of my body. A piece of torn/sucked off nipple. It actually left a sizable hole, which obviously bled like mad and was toe curlingly painful when I had to feed again after that, and after that, and after that… I want to cry just thinking about it. Why does no one warn you about this?? Sod the birth, it’s the breast feeding we need pethidine for.
Other low points (among many!!) were; being milked like a cow by a rather cold, militant stranger (lactation nurse who was like Mrs Trunchbull on her period) in the hospital when my new born wouldn’t latch, the sniggering teenage staff I once faced whilst breast-feeding in John Lewis, and the time my tits leaked all over my blouse during a job interview. So yeah, breast-feeding NOT GLAMOROUS!!! AT ALL!!!
- Poo – Sifting through my firstborn’s poo when she’d swallowed a 5p. Still got that coin. Washed of course. Gonna make into a pendant necklace for her eighteenth.
- Puke – Once my baby puked breast milk into my hair and I didn’t have time to wash it before work, so I tied it back and went to work with boob milk sick in my hair. We’ve all done this one, right?
- More puke – The time my 4 year old vommed into a bread bag on the bus in Lapland on the way to the Santa village. I wondered around with it in my backpack all morning (no bins in Santa’s village) to the point it froze into a puke popsicle in the -16 degree temperatures. One for the wedding speeches methinks.
- Potty training – My first child just did not get it. AT. ALL. She used to sh*t her pants at least twice a day, every day, for weeks. I had a bucket outside the back door, which held piles of knickers soaking in shitty brown water. I’d have to tackle it once every couple of days because it was summer and it made the whole garden smell like a sewage farm. Not in the job description. Vile, vile, VILE!!
- Snot – Being handed actual bogeys to dispose of. This was pretty much on a daily basis at one point, although it has calmed down now that they can, (sternly) ‘Go to the toilet and GET YOUR OWN TISSUE!’ That’ll teach me for telling them to stop eating it. Why do they have to be so gross?
- Parasites – Mainly nits & worms. My little one wondered out of nursery one day carrying a soggy piece of bread that was all smeared in Nutella. It had browning banana pieces and raisins stuck all over it and it vaguely resembled a bear (Goldilocks and the three bears theme). Whatever it was meant to be, it looked rank. To add to the grimness, in the other hand was a letter about threadworm doing the rounds. I felt sick watching her eat that soggy, brown, sludgy bread when we got home. All I could think of was that it was probably covered in thousands of tiny, invisible worm eggs. Needless to say a few days later her poo was infested with white wriggling creatures… it was the STUFF OF NIGHTMARES!!!
However, the best parasite story has to be from this mother’s day just gone when I discovered head lice, not only in the kids hair but also in my own crowning glory. Ugh. So yeah, that’s what they gave me for mothers day this year… a home made bookmark, a lovely key ring and NITS!
- Vaginas – (or peggys as we call them in our house…don’t ask) Specifically, dealing with smelly peggys. Ok so not sure if everyone does this but I quite often find myself smelling the gusset of my little girls PJ’s to check if they need to go in the wash or not. Why do I do this? There must be a better way??!!!
Also the other day my 4 year old said, ‘Mummy I think I definitely need a bath tonight…’ (We don’t bath her every night due to dry skin) ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Because I’ve got a really smelly peggy.’ She said. ‘Wanna smell?’ Me, ‘No, thanks babes. That wouldn’t be very nice for mummy would it?’ She rolled her eyes skyward, ‘I didn’t mean smell my actual peggy,’ She said, ‘Just stick your finger in it and them smell that.’ Eeeeeerm. Still kind of a ‘no’.
So there it is. Definite proof that being a mother is the most unglamorous job EVER!!!
How about you?
What’s the most unglamorous thing that’s happened to you since becoming a mum?? Any of these sound familiar? Feel free to join in by writing in the comments and please do share the love by hitting any of the share buttons you see below… thanks for reading!