- When your baby still isn’t sleeping through… ‘Mine were both sleeping through from twelve weeks.’ Good for you. That doesn’t help me though does it? Dick head.
- ‘My child is on reading level 5. How about yours?’ I couldn’t give a holy sh*te what reading level your child is on. Your kid will excel in some areas and my kid will excel in others. Because guess what? (SHOCK HORROR!!) They are all different. Look up Howard Gardner’s theory on ‘Multiple Forms of Intelligence’ you stupid tw*t. And whilst you’re at it go and compare your smugness with some other vile human being’s instead of trying to compare my child’s ability to yours.
- ‘Sausage Pie’, ‘Sweetie pie’, ‘Darling Heart’… Pass me the bucket. I much prefer it when parents call their kid ‘stinker’, ‘annoying’ or ‘little sh*t.’
- ‘It’s ok for you, your kids are really well behaved.’ Yeah, but that didn’t happen by accident did it? You have to have rules and sanctions, and guess what? It took a lot of hard work to get them like this.
- ‘If you don’t stop it, we’re going home!’ And then they go nowhere. Pointless. Why are you even bothering saying the words? You might as well just lie down and tell them to walk all over you. Or better still lie in the road and make a sign saying, ‘I have no back bone’ and then let the traffic run you over. (Please bear in mind that I have used this one myself, and so am actually talking about my own annoyingness here)
- ‘I just can’t get my child to stay on the step.’ What, even though you’re a 6ft adult male weighing twelve stone, and they’re a two-year-old fragile, little girl? Get a grip! You have the power. You are stronger, cleverer and smarter, so why don’t you just grow a pair and go and discipline your child.
- ‘The teacher told me my little sausage pie is the best in their class at drawing.’ Riiiiight. Well, my kid is in that class too, so what you’re really saying is – ‘My child is better than your child at drawing.’ Cool. Let me just get your medal out of my pocket and wrap it round your neck. POST PARENTS EVENING BOASTING MAKES ME SICK!
- ‘Living our best life!!’ This saying surely has had its day, but it’s still getting plastered all over social media. WHY? It’s sooooo annoying. Who invented it???? They need to be hung.
- ‘Just bought all the nappies!!’ No you didn’t you just bought a jumbo pack. ‘Just drank all the coffee.’ Did you? Because that just looks like a grande to me. Ugh!
- ‘We’re not going to bother with the homework this week.’ Then turns up at the school gate with an Easter bonnet the size of a one hundred year old tree. These types of people have been around since school. Do you remember? They’d be like ‘I’m definitely not doing the homework for Mr Prendergast because I hate him.’ And then you’d think, ‘Great a united front, I wont bother either!’ But then, they would do it, and you’d end up in detention, on your own. So yeah, these people are still out there. They’re adults now, up to the same tricks, passing knob head values onto their poor, unknowing offspring.
Can you tell I’m in a bad mood this week? Need to put myself on the step I think…
… Sorry for ranting… Thanks for reading!