Most days my inner monologue goes a little something like this…
(wakes up)
Oh God, what day is it? Oh no, it’s Wednesday. I feckin hate Wednesays. Wednesday means – swimming lessons. Oh God. I hate my life.
(four-year-old enters and slips under the duvet for a squishy cuddle)
Oh my gosh, she’s so cute, and so soft. I love her so much I could burst. I love being a mum. I love my life. I’m so lucky.
(gets downstairs and realises the dog has bled period all over her bed)
I hate my life. Why did we even get a dog anyway? If it’s not picking up shit and prising chewed bits of chewing gum out of her mouth on the school run, it’s mopping up doggy period blood. Why me? Gah!
(Amazon delivery arrives)
Oh yay! I love getting parcels. It’s my little ones pirate birthday party supplies for next week. Oh how exciting! I feel so lucky being able to buy nice things, and not live in a third world country. My life is so amazing!
(gets to school and realises gym bag has been forgotten… again)
Oh FFS!!! Now I have to run home and grab the bag and do the school run AGAIN! WHY? Why does this shit always happen to me. Why am I so scatty? Why do I always FUCK up like this? I hate myself! I’m such a shit mum.
(after getting gym bag to school)
I’m such a legend. I’m such a good mum. What a save. That must have burned at least 500 calories. I can have a nice yummy lunch now. YES!! Life is great!
(after consuming 1000 calories at lunch, including inhaling piles of – not even that satisfying – halloween leftover sweets)
Fuck sake. My jeans are so tight. I feel so fat. Why did I just eat all that crap. I feel horrible. Why can’t I just be healthy. I’m such a bad human being.
(after receiving a lovely comment on a thought provoking, topical blog post I have written)
Awww, that’s so nice. I’m so chuffed I have helped someone. I am such a good human being. I love myself. Who cares about outward appearances anyway. It’s what’s inside that counts. I’m going to be a BOPO babe and never ever worry about what I eat. Ever again.
(just before the school run)
Awww, I can’t wait to see the girls. I’ve missed them so much today. I wonder what they’ve been up to in school? They’re so cute and lovable and sweet.
(when they start bickering five minutes after walking through the door)
Fuck me I need a break. Why do they do this? They’re so annoying, and draining and ugh!
(just before putting them to bed)
I’m so exhausted. When will this day end? Why did we ever have children? Why won’t they listen to me? Why do they have so much energy at this time of night when I just feel like a sloth on ketamine. I JUST. NEED. TO. CLOCK. OFF! Life is soooo shit right now.
(11pm – scrolling through pics of my kids on iphone and telling my husband cute stories about them)
I’m not even tired. Maybe I’ll have another glass of wine? One more Netflix episode? I’ll just go and stare at them sleeping again, just incase I’ve forgotten what they look like.
Ah, isn’t life dreamy?