Sexual Bereavement – Are you mourning your pre kid sex life?

Ok, so my husband’s going to kill me for writing this. However, it might make him get his finger out… or his willy? Fingers crossed.

*** If you are a family member, please DO NOT read on. Mum, put the iPad down and go watch First Dates on catch up! NOW! ***

Don’t know about you, but my sex life is pretty different since having kids, as in, they’ve kind of killed it. Dead. Gone. NO MORE. This is why…

10 reasons why having kids has killed my sex life:

  1. Everything’s gone very, very floppy. Floppy boobies, floppy belly, floppy eye bags. Mama just aint feeling it babes.
  2. I’ve said it before – most evenings I have the energy of a rohypnoled sloth, and that aint sexy.
  3. No more morning sex… these days I’m just mourning sex.
  4. I have let myself go. I used to dry and style my hair and paint my toenails. I even used to shave my legs Goddamn it! These days general maintenance and beautifying myself is so far down the to-do list that I look about as sexy a dead Hairy Biker. Let’s not even talk about my bush, as it usually resembles that kid from Diversity on a bad hair day.
  5. Getting into bed, only to find it’s been made into a Pokémon hospital. Don’t know about you, but I can’t get my jiggy on with Popplio watching.

    Get out of my bed you bunch of pervs!
  6. No more drunk sex. We used to love a bit of drunk sex, but drunken nights out are quite rare now, so alas, that chapter is closed. Since becoming parents, Saturday nights consist of me trying not to fall asleep in front of yet another Netflix movie. ‘Turn on’ level – nil.
  7. My husband was – ‘down that end’ during the birth. They say that alters a man don’t they? That it changes the way they look at their partner? I’m not surprised. My second baby was breach and came out bum first. Apparently the sheer pressure on her little bottom meant that poo was actually being squeezed out of her at the same time I was pushing her out. Just imagine the sight my friends. All he could see was a black, slimy, slug like poo, within a red baby bum, within my stretched vagina. You know like at Christmas when Iceland does that bird, within a bird, within a bird? It was a bit like that, except a tad grosser.
  8. My dress sense can sometimes be a bit – ‘meh’. I used to buy nice clothes all the time. Now I only buy the kids nice clothes. I used to always wear heels. Now only flats will do. Mama can’t be running (always late) to the school gates in her heeled, peep-toe sling backs now can she?
  9. My weak pelvic floor. I’m just guessing here, but I think it’s quite unattractive to my husband that I p*ss myself whenever I sneeze.
  10. Illness and infection. I’ve had it all since bearing kids – reflux, mastitis, norovirus, piles… This week it’s worms. Yes worms my loves. The other day we got a note from school saying the little parasites are doing the rounds again. Of course I treated the kids straight away. Then, last night after yoga I started feeling a very unusual tickling in my bum hole and so I decided to share this information with my husband. ‘Oh god, that’s disgusting’ he said. ‘Well, maybe it isn’t actually worms,’ I said, trying desperately to claw back even a molecule of attractiveness, ‘Maybe I’ve just got a sweaty bum after yoga?’ (husband grimaces, turns over and switches off the light)

And there we have it my friends. The death of my sex life. Right there.

But before you start throwing sex therapist names and waxing salon numbers at me. Fear not. I’m alright. We may not be doing it three times a week, but we’re ok with that. For now. I think? Having little kids changes everything doesn’t it? And anyway, I don’t know many working parents with small kids who are doing it all the time. (If you are good for you, you’re ace!)

So, ok. I’m having a slump.

I know what I’ve got to do. I need to dust off my razor and make some time for me. Because having a sex life after kids, does take work and effort. Which is why this weeks post is short and sweet. I’m off to have a bath. I’m going to file my feet, shave my legs and neck myself worming tablet…

… You never know guys, tonight might be my lucky night!

I think that pink long thing is a ra-zoooor??

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2 thoughts on “Sexual Bereavement – Are you mourning your pre kid sex life?

  1. I think lots of us are like this. To be honest there are days we aren’t even in the same bed as one of us is comatose on the sofa. We have a “don’t poke the bear” rule on many levels! When you’re knackered and managed to pass out in front of TOWIE you don’t need someone telling you wake up, you’re tired, go back to sleep somewhere else, let alone start playing Barry White and doing their sexy dance. Things definitely change when young kids are in the picture , but so do lots of things and I’m happy to chalk most things up to being a phase.

    1. Definitely no Barry White sexy dancing here thank you… haha!! And yeah, I think you’re right, it’s just a phase just like everything else!
      Thanks for reading Helen xx