Finally, after years of pondering and months of research, we got a whippet puppy.
Her name is Blue.
It’s been less than a week and already I’m realising this puppy thing is great and sh*t in equal measures. Can you spot the running theme here?
The Sh*t Bits…
- Poo and wee all over the shop.
- They eat stuff off the floor they shouldn’t.
- You have to puppy proof your house.
- They demand your attention when you really need to be getting on with important things.
- They bite.
- They cry at night.
- Playing with them can be sooooooooo boring.
- They smell.
- They demand to be fed…all the time.
- They make you feel guilty when you go out.
So, just like having a kid really.
But much like having a baby, once you’ve brought them home, you wouldn’t change it for the world. Right? You instantly fall in love because they’re so small and soft and cute. Then all of a sudden that nurturing, human instinct kicks in and you just want to protect and take care of them. You want to cuddle them and tell all your friends about them. You take endless pictures of them doing really boring stuff… like sleeping.
So in true Greatmum Shitmum style here’s my attempt at turning all the sh*t puppy stuff into great puppy stuff…
The Great Bits…
- Ok so there’s puppy p*ss and dog logs all over the shop (the under floor heating don’t half cook them turds over night let me tell you), but hit me with the mop and call me freaky Freida, there is something strangely satisfying about cleaning up all that poo and wee. Keeping on top of that side of things doesn’t half give me a… satisfying feeling? Is it just me? I get the same feeling when one of my kids has vomited in the night. Once I’ve cleaned them up and changed their bed I get a great sense of achievement and self-pride that I’ve taken care of it. Know what I mean?
- Even though the puppy eats everything she shouldn’t off the floor (including her own poo), it saves me sweeping up right? I’m finding this is THE BEST thing about our new pup. Once the kids have eaten (and inevitably dropped various bits of their meal on the floor), she swoops in and gobbles it all up. Job done. Who needs a Dyson?
- Her chewing habits mean that my whole family now tidy their shoes away into a cupboard and never leave any toys or crap all over the floor. SCOOOOOOORE!!!
- The puppy demands my attention when I really need to be getting on with other stuff… hmmm? Like what? The washing? Working? Any excuse to procrastinate I say! Remember those days when you had a newborn and they fell asleep on you, and because you were too scared to wake them you just decided to stay there and snooze or watch Netflix? I’m back there baby!! Except this time I don’t even have to whap the baps out every four hours to breastfeed… because that would be just too weird.
- Ok, so the biting thing is annoying. This is by far the worst bit about the new puppy. Her teeth are like little needles, so when she does nip it can really hurt. My kids do not like this. AT. ALL. Especially the four-year-old who gets quite upset as she takes it very personally. So, I’m now in the process of finding a puppy training class. I’ll probably try and do a morning one so I can take my four-year-old with me. This will most definitely be a gazillion times more fun than soft play or swimming, which is what I’ve done almost every week for the past 6 years of being a stay at home mum, and has now got to the point that even the sheer mention of ‘soft play’ makes me want to lock myself in the wardrobe and scream ‘WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?!!!’ at my maxi dresses (in a very melodramatic, first world probs kind of way).
- When I say she cries at night, I kind of just said that for comedy effect. She’s actually been ok. Surprisingly there’s been no whimpering, no separation anxiety and no need for a ‘crate’ (surely just a softer word for cage?), which so many people had advised. Kind of too good to be true really. I did buy a hideous looking dog comforter/teddy off Amazon called ‘The Snuggle Puppy’, which I think may have something to do with it. It warms up and has a beating heart and so the pup is supposed to think it’s their mum. Blue does chew it quite a lot, which makes me think maybe she doesn’t quite buy the fact it is her mother. I mean, surely puppies do not try to chew their mother’s noses off. However let’s not knock it because it does seem to work. Imagine it had been that easy with the babies? One for Dragons Den maybe; “The Snuggle Mum”? Or would it end up being too much like one of those rubber sex dolls? With a warm, beating heart and lactating nipples? (Too much?)
- Playing with them can be sooooooooo boring. Ring any bells? But, just the same as with the kids, it’s got to be done. A) for development B) because they need attention, and C) to knacker them out. (C being the most important one)
- Yeah they do smell but you do get used to it and actually begin not to notice it after a while.
- They demand to be fed…all the time… but hey we all love our food in this family so she’ll fit right in. You know when they say dogs look like their owners? Well that theory is shot here because she’s a whippet and I’m a bit of a fatty… ok I’m not saying fat… just definitely no Twiggy.
- They make you feel guilty when you go out, but hey, that’s never stopped me with the kids, and anyway I always come back, even if I am rolling out of an Uber at 3am having drank way too much Merlot… I do always come back!
So all in all, not so sh*t at all. (Except for the actual dog sh*t… cooking on my kitchen floor because of the afore-mentioned under floor heating.)
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